FYI: This one is a wee bit gross...
I've been in Texas, Northern Wisconsin, So-Cal and the heart of Mexico and i've never experienced heat like that of Japan. Additionally it doesn't help that i'm genetically predisposed to eating cod in ice capped fjords nor that the focus of my diet has been 'insulation'. Japan in summer is, as one prosaic Scotsman put it, "This is where Satan goes on vacation". You can't fry an egg on the sidewalk as said egg would be poached, in shell, ere you cracked it.
It is (literally!) so hot that i had to stop typing because of the sweat pouring off my finger tips onto the computer. Sweat so profuse that (again, literally) my fingers pruned up as if i'd been sitting in hottub for an hour. After playing soccer for an hour, i felt like a giant fairy sprinkling magic sweat beads every time i swung my arms. I took a ten minute walk had to put a towel on my lap because of the torrent streaming from my chin.
It's hot. The average temperature, at 10AM has been around 100. But as the saying goes, it's not the heat, it's the humidity. It's so bad that when i informed my manager i would be teaching class from my house because i didn't want to go outside she asked when i would start at my new location and reached for the phone to start calling students.
Thankfully there are a couple of J-remedies that are helpful. The aforementioned sweat towel has got to be the most effective apart from good ol' A/C. Not only does it protect my Norse neck from the sun, it makes me look like a linebacker when i tuck it under my shirt. Many a head i've turned looking like Romanoski on the road. Thank the Maker for A/C. I'll probably have to take that Yukaza job to pay for electric bill next month. Additionally, Japan offers a wide selection of beverages to replace water and electrolytes ("It's what plants crave") under names such as Aquarious, C-C Lemon and my personal favorite, Calpis (pronounced 'cow-piss').
Then there's, um, the "holistic" advice i got from some of my Japanese friends. Apparently apart from hand fans there are bells to help cool off. Bells. These magic trinkets stave off the heat when they chime. I was going to lecture them on the difference between sound waves and radiation, but i sweating too much already.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I'm inJapan, what could possibly go wrong or if you're my mother you probably don't want to read this.
Salutations all,
Again, it's been a while since i've posted and it's been a weird interim. Take this weekend for example. Southern Japan was smacked around by a rather large and freak typhoon. Once it got close to Tokyo it veered back out to sea, so i was only hit by the edge of it. Even so it made for some wet and windy weather.
I visited my friend Scott up in a place call Yorii. It's about 30 minutes by train. During our busy night of watching the 2002 Superbowl (GO Bucs!), playing Resident Evil 4 (Die Zombie!) and watching the animated Robin Hood (A-ha, A-ha) we took some time to weather watch. It was one of the strangest phenomenon that i've ever seen. Remember those old cylinder lawn movers, the kind your folks bought to help you "build character"? (And by build character they meant "save money on gas".) It look like we were under one of those made of clouds. It flew over us, it must have been going a good 30 - 40 mph, while is slowing spun like a drunk tornado.
The crazy thing about typhoons is how nice, albeit windy, it is after they've pasted. But on Monday, as you probably know, Northern Japan was hit by a big earthquake. It hit a place called Niigata, which is about 2 hours away by bullet train. However the shockwaves were felt as far away as Tokyo. The tremors we felt were very, very slight. The first one was at Scott's apartment and, like i said, it was tiny. The second one wasn't that big, however when it hit we were watching a movie. In a theater. In a mall. On the eighth floor. Basically any movement is amplified the taller you are. There's nothing like making fun of previews for Japanese movies with your Scottish buddy when suddenly the building your in starts bucking like a row boat in a gale. Good times.
So enough of the meteorological and geological drama. This goes back to Golden week. During the last couple of days of May and the beginning of April several national holidays fall close to each other. Most companies and school simply close for the week. Then everyone, EVERYONE in Japan goes to another part of Japan. For gaijin like me, it's a good time to not go anywhere. Fortunately, my gaijin friends are not like me and braved insanely packed trains to visit lil ol' Chichibu. Good times were had by all. At the end of the week i noticed that the faucet in my shower was leaking.
As it is, i'm not a huge fan of Japanese housing (think kindling people live in) and not being able to find a main valve didn't do much to change my opinion. I was able to jimmy-rig it to slow it down, but so long as the water was flowing, there was no way i could fix properly.
So the next day at work i asked my manager to give the building manager a call. She said it my be 'difficult' to find his number. Then i remember the bar on the first floor. I had been there once before. The bar's owner, a Filipina spoke English as well as Japanese. I decided to stop in and see if you she had info.
Japan is weird.
As it turns out, this was a 'hostess' bar. Basically a place for businessmen with no social skills to pay to flirt (literally) with women. The 'hostesses' light their cigarettes, fill their drinks and pretend to find them interesting.
Anyways, i strolled in and asked for the building manager's number. She didn't have it, but just wait and he'll be in. Two minutes later a jolly Japanese guy rolls in. I go over and chat with a bit and he tells me he'll take care of it. Apparently did/ said something right, because i became his new best friend. As he left he said something to the bar owner, waved good-bye and was gone. Taking this as my queue to leave, i got up to go. However, i was immediately informed that my lil buddy had paid for my night at the bar. (yippee-skippy :-T ).
I don't really drink nor do i need 'hosting' so thought i would go...until they asked me if i liked karaoke (and started making food). What can i say, murdering songs is my kryptonite. It was interesting. I think i was a bit of quandary for them. I can't imagine many of their customers go for pot stickers over whiskey that often.
So it was just me and three hostesses eating and singing for about an hour and half. Then we hear the door open. One of the girls goes to check it out and suddenly i hear 'Papee'. Quick as lightening the other girls fly to the door and just a fast one zips back.
"Can you change tables?!"
"Naw, i'm going to bed anyways/"
"What? No. you have to stay, just move tables."
So, a little befuddled, i moved to one of the back table and in strolls this 65 years-old Japanese guy. He was a stocky and had a bit of swagger to him. Japanese mafia. Yakuza. He was followed by six or seven lackeys who were eyeballing me like a piranhas would steak.
Gulp.
So he decided it was a good time to practice his English. Using the bar owner as human dictionary, he makes himself comfortable in the chair next to me. He tells me his name which i immediately forget. It started with a 't' so i just start calling him Big Tony.
BT: "What is your job?"
M: "I'm an English teacher."
BT: "Do you like it?"
M: "Yeah, it's alright"
BT: "Do want 'another' job?"
Mind you, i spend most of time terrifying Japanezies just by walking around. I do this all day, every day and never make a dime. Now here i am with the prospect of making money just for being huge and hairy! Much to Big Tony's chagrin, my Judeo-Christian morals and desire not to find out first hand what foreign prisons are like precluded my accepting a most tempting offer.
But fun with Tony was only beginning. Out of nowhere he started feeling my forearms and biceps. I kinda expected to walk out with a blue ribbon for best in show. Then he grabs my arms and starts pulling me towards himself. The hostess quickly explains that this is tug-o-war thing that some gangsters do.
I've got nothing to prove and enough to live for, so rounds one and two go to Tony. At which point, Tony says something to the effect that i look stronger than i am. So i yanked him out of sit.
BT: Sugoi! (Japanese: Wow! Incredible!) You are strong.
M: Well, you...
BT: How did you get so big?
M: (thinking: my ancestors are infamous for eating psychedelic lichens, going nuts and bringing chaos to Western Europe. That is not a race of 'small' people.) Beef.
BT: Hai. Japanese only eat fish. You should eat more beef.
M: Yeah.
BT: You have beautiful blue eyes.
M: aaaaaaaaaaaaahh...
So somehow i went from a minor plumbing problem to having to explain to a Japanese gangster that those kinds of questions might give people the wrong impression and, no, i'm not that kind of English teacher.
Yeah, so that's life in Japan right now. Gangsters, typhoons and earthquakes! Oh my!
Actually, life's going pretty well. I got my new computer and have figured out how my A/C works so, good times. Good times.
Godspeed
Again, it's been a while since i've posted and it's been a weird interim. Take this weekend for example. Southern Japan was smacked around by a rather large and freak typhoon. Once it got close to Tokyo it veered back out to sea, so i was only hit by the edge of it. Even so it made for some wet and windy weather.
I visited my friend Scott up in a place call Yorii. It's about 30 minutes by train. During our busy night of watching the 2002 Superbowl (GO Bucs!), playing Resident Evil 4 (Die Zombie!) and watching the animated Robin Hood (A-ha, A-ha) we took some time to weather watch. It was one of the strangest phenomenon that i've ever seen. Remember those old cylinder lawn movers, the kind your folks bought to help you "build character"? (And by build character they meant "save money on gas".) It look like we were under one of those made of clouds. It flew over us, it must have been going a good 30 - 40 mph, while is slowing spun like a drunk tornado.
The crazy thing about typhoons is how nice, albeit windy, it is after they've pasted. But on Monday, as you probably know, Northern Japan was hit by a big earthquake. It hit a place called Niigata, which is about 2 hours away by bullet train. However the shockwaves were felt as far away as Tokyo. The tremors we felt were very, very slight. The first one was at Scott's apartment and, like i said, it was tiny. The second one wasn't that big, however when it hit we were watching a movie. In a theater. In a mall. On the eighth floor. Basically any movement is amplified the taller you are. There's nothing like making fun of previews for Japanese movies with your Scottish buddy when suddenly the building your in starts bucking like a row boat in a gale. Good times.
So enough of the meteorological and geological drama. This goes back to Golden week. During the last couple of days of May and the beginning of April several national holidays fall close to each other. Most companies and school simply close for the week. Then everyone, EVERYONE in Japan goes to another part of Japan. For gaijin like me, it's a good time to not go anywhere. Fortunately, my gaijin friends are not like me and braved insanely packed trains to visit lil ol' Chichibu. Good times were had by all. At the end of the week i noticed that the faucet in my shower was leaking.
As it is, i'm not a huge fan of Japanese housing (think kindling people live in) and not being able to find a main valve didn't do much to change my opinion. I was able to jimmy-rig it to slow it down, but so long as the water was flowing, there was no way i could fix properly.
So the next day at work i asked my manager to give the building manager a call. She said it my be 'difficult' to find his number. Then i remember the bar on the first floor. I had been there once before. The bar's owner, a Filipina spoke English as well as Japanese. I decided to stop in and see if you she had info.
Japan is weird.
As it turns out, this was a 'hostess' bar. Basically a place for businessmen with no social skills to pay to flirt (literally) with women. The 'hostesses' light their cigarettes, fill their drinks and pretend to find them interesting.
Anyways, i strolled in and asked for the building manager's number. She didn't have it, but just wait and he'll be in. Two minutes later a jolly Japanese guy rolls in. I go over and chat with a bit and he tells me he'll take care of it. Apparently did/ said something right, because i became his new best friend. As he left he said something to the bar owner, waved good-bye and was gone. Taking this as my queue to leave, i got up to go. However, i was immediately informed that my lil buddy had paid for my night at the bar. (yippee-skippy :-T ).
I don't really drink nor do i need 'hosting' so thought i would go...until they asked me if i liked karaoke (and started making food). What can i say, murdering songs is my kryptonite. It was interesting. I think i was a bit of quandary for them. I can't imagine many of their customers go for pot stickers over whiskey that often.
So it was just me and three hostesses eating and singing for about an hour and half. Then we hear the door open. One of the girls goes to check it out and suddenly i hear 'Papee'. Quick as lightening the other girls fly to the door and just a fast one zips back.
"Can you change tables?!"
"Naw, i'm going to bed anyways/"
"What? No. you have to stay, just move tables."
So, a little befuddled, i moved to one of the back table and in strolls this 65 years-old Japanese guy. He was a stocky and had a bit of swagger to him. Japanese mafia. Yakuza. He was followed by six or seven lackeys who were eyeballing me like a piranhas would steak.
Gulp.
So he decided it was a good time to practice his English. Using the bar owner as human dictionary, he makes himself comfortable in the chair next to me. He tells me his name which i immediately forget. It started with a 't' so i just start calling him Big Tony.
BT: "What is your job?"
M: "I'm an English teacher."
BT: "Do you like it?"
M: "Yeah, it's alright"
BT: "Do want 'another' job?"
Mind you, i spend most of time terrifying Japanezies just by walking around. I do this all day, every day and never make a dime. Now here i am with the prospect of making money just for being huge and hairy! Much to Big Tony's chagrin, my Judeo-Christian morals and desire not to find out first hand what foreign prisons are like precluded my accepting a most tempting offer.
But fun with Tony was only beginning. Out of nowhere he started feeling my forearms and biceps. I kinda expected to walk out with a blue ribbon for best in show. Then he grabs my arms and starts pulling me towards himself. The hostess quickly explains that this is tug-o-war thing that some gangsters do.
I've got nothing to prove and enough to live for, so rounds one and two go to Tony. At which point, Tony says something to the effect that i look stronger than i am. So i yanked him out of sit.
BT: Sugoi! (Japanese: Wow! Incredible!) You are strong.
M: Well, you...
BT: How did you get so big?
M: (thinking: my ancestors are infamous for eating psychedelic lichens, going nuts and bringing chaos to Western Europe. That is not a race of 'small' people.) Beef.
BT: Hai. Japanese only eat fish. You should eat more beef.
M: Yeah.
BT: You have beautiful blue eyes.
M: aaaaaaaaaaaaahh...
So somehow i went from a minor plumbing problem to having to explain to a Japanese gangster that those kinds of questions might give people the wrong impression and, no, i'm not that kind of English teacher.
Yeah, so that's life in Japan right now. Gangsters, typhoons and earthquakes! Oh my!
Actually, life's going pretty well. I got my new computer and have figured out how my A/C works so, good times. Good times.
Godspeed
Monday, March 19, 2007
Japanastan8
March 2007
Good day all
I hope this email finds you well. It's been an interesting couple of weeks since my last little update. I have been accepted to a CELTA certification program. Basically, it will allow me to teach English in other countries. GEOS is paying for half of it, but that means that i'll be here until at least November of 2008. I'll be past thirty, so my only hope is that i'm still coherent enough to use what i've learned in
Sooooo let's see here. I worked two Sundays at a new school in Honjo. It's about an hour and half away from Chichibu and apparently i can't pronounce it properly. Everytime i say 'Honjo' to a Japanesey they always correct me. 'HonjO!'...I guess i'm not as excited about "o's" as everyone else. C'est le Japanese. It was actually pretty boring, not much to do but make posters and chat with the two managers; Kyoko and Kame. Kame does't exactly have a command of English nor pronunciation. Which made some fun times. I.E.
K: 'When Rita observed your class, were you lovers?'
M: 'Wha-what?!'
K: 'Lovers? Were you lovers?'
M: 'Not that i was aware of...'
K: 'When I was observed, I was lovers."
M: (Banging head on the table) 'Neeeervous?"
AND
K: 'I think Ishiro looks like black people.'
M: 'Ummm...'
K: 'Black people and Ichiro look the same."
M: (Thinking) Black...brack...Brad. People...peepoo...pitto...Pitt
'No, but Ichiro does look more like Brad Pitt than an African American."
I also discovered that my 'smart assed-ness' is even less productive in
M; So, do you have a boyfriend? What's he like?
K: No boyfriend? How about you?
M: No boyfriend.
K&K: OOOOOOOOOOOOoooh! AAAAAaaahh! Who do you like? Tom-mu Cru-usu? Brad-doh Pit-to?
M: What? No! Claire Forlani.
K: But she's a girl?
No need to fear about any 'tendencies' however as i soon found when i visited the hospital recently. I caught a nasty flu and actually missed a couple of days of work. Thursday of last week, my manager finally forced me to get checked out. The doctor (female) spoke passable English and asked about symptoms. I told her i'd had a fever and was coughing a bit. So she whips out the stethoscope and tells me to take off my shirt.
This wasn't the first time i've had a doctor listen to my chest. However, they generally lift the disk and place it in the next spot. This doctor felt compelled to slide it across with her left hand and smooth out my disheveled chest hair with her right. Not only that, but i have the feeling she failed her anatomy class. The lungs were where the trouble lie; apparently my lungs are huge! She listened to my chest, and then worked her way over my kidneys, appendix and navel; all over my bulging belly. I had to explain to her that in the
Other than that, everything's going well. The too-touchy doctor was nice enough to give me some pills and they seem to have done the trick. Any recent damage done has been small and replaceable. I hope you're all doing well.
Godspeed
Occidental accidents in the Orient
February, 2007
I hope this email finds you all well. It's been a couple of months since my last little update. Everything is going pretty smooth. Provided my computer doesn't crap out, i'll be watching a choppy feed of the Super Bowl with friends on Monday morning around 8A. Huzzah! Or in the words of the immortal John Madden 'FOOTBALL!' My Scottish buddy Scot will joining us; fortunately i won't have to have the whole 'Football vs. football' conversation, as his dad is a huge Bears fan.
It's been an interesting week; the gods of
Meanwhile, at GEOS it was 'Gaijin Gut' day. Two of the lower level students (in their twenties) inexplicably became fascinated with my diminishing (or so i hope) pouch. They started chatting in Japanese, stared, pointed then prodded my doughy center. Sharks, when turned on their backs become completely immobile, in the much the same way, i was frozen to the wall while they padded and poked and giggled. Girls! Touching! Human contact! It wasn't until the manager made a joke about sexual harassment that i was able to catch my breath and run to the office where they found me crying tears of confusion huddled in the corner. GIRLS!!!
Prior to this i had displayed my Humpback-Whale-on-a beach-in-Oregon-like reflexes. As i joined the conversation i sat, or rather, attempted to sit on the chair next to one of the girls, Ryoko. I'm no physicist, but i soon learned an important lesson about leverage, wheels, centrifugal force and bodies in motion. As 200+ pounds of Norseman settled onto the edge of the seat, the chair shot backwards whilst the Norseman barreled forward towards the widening eyes of a horrified, frail Japanese woman. Fortunately, i was able to punch a nearby desk, change directions and smash into the half-wall. You can take the Viking out of the fjords, but you can't take the compulsion to destroy wantonly from the Viking.
Half an hour after the belly incident, as we were chatting in the lobby my complete lack of grace again showed through. The two girls were off to do whatever and we were saying our gradual good-byes. Being the smooth operator that i am, i folded my arms and leaned up against the front wall, and by wall i mean window and by window i mean glass door which i promptly opened with my potent backside and fell into the street. It's times like these that i wish GEOS would allow drinking on the job, you know, just so i had some sort of excuse...
Speaking of girls, we have a new JET (Japanese English Teacher). Her name is Namea and she is very helpful (though not always in a very helpful way). The other day, i stopped by the 7-11 to get gel after i had ran out. When i arrived at work with chips, kara-age and a drink, i realized i had forgotten to pick up the aforementioned gel. Misa, the manager only had hairspray; i'm not a big 'hairspray guy' especially when it leaves one's hair smelling of fresh strawberries, call me 'straight' but that's just the way i roll. So i asked Namea. She promptly produced a small bottle of that instant hand sanitizer.
M: "Uh, it's for my hair."
N: "Yes, I know."
M: "Not my hands."
N: "But it's gel."
M: "My hair was sanitized this morning in the shower."
N: "Just try it."
M: “Uh, thanks.”
And so i walked back to 7-11.
I was going to write this the other night and as i walking home from work i was composing in my head. 'What to write?" As i neared the entrance to my apartment building, deep in thought, i felt myself slowing. Then i realized it wasn't just mentally. I had hooked a parked bike with my pocket and had dragged it three feet before it fell over. Classic.
I hope that all-y'all are having a great day. Godspeed and God bless what ever adventures you may find yourselves on.
Korea: The Low Down
December 2006
If ever you need a taste of
It has a touch of
As we walked the streets, we came across a cartoon of man being disemboweled! Apparently the Chinese aren't entirely capitalist yet. They track down Korean gangsters and make them 'share' organs with the peasants in
Everyone i was with went drinking, so i headed back to the hotel. A nice man outside asked if i wanted a 'Korean lady'. "Why?”, i thought to myself’ “Room service would clean the room and there were plenty of nice places for breakfast, never mind that there wasn't a kitchen in the room and...Wait a second!'
Soon after, we had an earthquake (though i never felt it). It must have been a dousy though, because this other guy on the sidewalk was thrown all over the street! He could barely stay upright! He was just about thrown into traffic when his wife grabbed him by the coat. I don't think i've EVER seen someone so drunk.Huzzah for alcohol!
Perhaps the strangest thing was 'breakfast' on Monday. We carted out of by six and bused to a little job on the way to the airport. The Koreans and Japanese herded us to little table. She must have been a Japanese auctioneer, cause she didn't stop talking like a machine gun for 15 minutes as the staff started feeding us kim-chee. I stared bleary eyed at the 'fermented' cabbage sitting in front of me at
Here's the other strange bit; (though i love kim-chee) it's not exactly smooth on the stomach. I speak with some certainty that once you've had some your back side can be classified as a biological weapon. Why did they hate everyone on the plane so much? Roses, it not smell like when we finally got off to Narita.
However, i did find some cool kids there. Besides walking the streets of
It's a little weird, ironic even, that
PS: We found a 'pay toilet'. The curious thing was, it had a 10 minute limit then the door swings open. Which leads to the question, what happens if you've loaded up on kim-chee and can't make it back to the hotel? A scatological quandary i hope i never have to face.
Initial Thewing
So i decided tonight was a good night for pizzas. But alas, i can only fit one 8" pizza in my toaster oven...wait, maybe the smaller oven in my stove might be able to hold a second pie! Lo and behold, the next thing i know, i've got TWO (count 'em 2) pizzas cooking at the same time. Welp, time to enjoy some comedy on the ol' computer box whilst i wait.
(Tra-la-la-la)
But what's this? I don't remember my apartment being so cloudy when i moved in...what could possibly being causing this proliferation of smoke?
So, it's friz-AH-eezing out, but i have open all my windows to air out my lil cave. No harm, no foul. As far as the pan goes, um, now it's, uh, been rather sterilized, though i don' think that it will be cool until December is here.
But i got me some pizza pie and i didn't die in a fire of stultification.
Cheers.
PS: If you're my mom...this is totally a joke. I have never, and would never be so irresponsible with gas ovens.
PPS: If you're NOT my mom, i totally did this...
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